I used to play Russian roulette but I was never very good at it.
Sometimes in the thought balloon over my head there’s just a schwa.
I wonder how they train corpse dogs.
Don’t just visit Ferguson, Mo. Visit Trip Advisor Ferguson,Mo, bitch-ass punk.
They’ve gotten exceptionally crafty at making it hard to find the expiration dates on many date-sensitive products. I gotta say, hats off.
You’d repeat yourself too if your friends were as stupid as mine. But no, I don’t repeat myself. I emphasize.
I’ve never been a very good “Tear Here” guy.
In the week running up to February 14th, the prison commissaries run out of “Be My Bitch” cards.
Executioner: “Hey Buddy. Don’t let anybody know I told you, but you’ll be the last person ever put to death in this state.”
I wonder how many trees have been cut down to accommodate useless letters in the French language?
Sean Connery—Ancient 007.
I’m in the old folks home and I walk by this table of old men playing cards. One’s bragging he can still have a wet nap every once in a while.
Yeah, but in my defense I was drunk.
Me? I’m a professor of Antarctic history.
Getting a birthday greeting from Facebook itself is kind of like getting an anonymous photo of your kid on the school playground in the mail.
Go ahead. Unsubscribe. Two others will pop up in its place.
What would we ever do without toenails?
Two black holes drift too close to each other…
You know that awkward feeling I’m talking about—like when the chick in the tragic news story is kind of hot?
So I reminded the IRS auditor that I pay his freakin’ salary. If I paid my taxes.
One man’s junk is another man’s treasure. Don’t hear that like you used to.
Plausible deniability? I don’t know what that means.
I had to get a new computer keyboard. My old one was writing things I didn’t approve of.
No, YOU da parrot.
How many doomsday preppers have prescriptions they have to take?
So was Jesus an alpha male?
It’s no different than the other times, sir. Put on that serious look and tell the microphone it’s a matter of grave concern. Then we can go knock out eighteen holes.
I could go on a diet, but what if I lost too much weight? Ever think of that? Huh?
It’s a movie about Nazis hunting Jews house to house. The working title is “Oys in the Attic.”
When the Hindus gave shapes to numbers, they didn’t think the 6 and the 9 through at all.
The dude’s a walking pen-starter.
Dear Lord, please give our side the win.
…but that was before I found out the locals whiz on the Blarney Stone at night.
Turns out Einstein’s brain really was in a beer cooler in little Weston, Missouri for a few years. Somebody was trepanning for gold.
My doctor says when a finger grows back it’ll never look the same.
I had sex with a Chinese girl once. I was horny an hour later.
Leaves of three picked just for thee.
A thousand bucks if you name your twins Judas and Adolph.
The McDonald’s menu board at CIA headquarters: “Neither confirm nor deny your order here.”
This kick me tattoo. I knew at the time it was gonna be trouble.
They say if you ever forget what you came into the room for, it’s all over.
Anything for you my little thumbscrew.
A switchblade will open properly a specific number of times, yet I’ll flip mine open a hundred times watching TV. Story of my life.
I envy Eminem and Metallica. I want “Original music used by the US military to torment the enemy” on my list of credits.
The Ancient Hindu goddesses had four or six arms, and the Ancient Roman and Greek ones all seem to have had none or maybe one or a half of one. I really don’t know what should come next.
I was just watching some old footage of Einstein enjoying his tobacco. Suddenly I don’t feel so stupid.
I sent my youthful self a message through the time tube. I regretted to inform me we never went any farther than the moon, but Trojan did run a television add for dildos around Christmas last year.
The optimist that I am, I see myself as half sane.
That cable show, Ancient Aliens, would be better I think, if they used circus music in the background.