Last October, angry and discontented Mohammedans, exercising their free-speech rights, began protesting Google offices around the world. The protests were staged because the corporate giant chose not to pull a certain video from its YouTube content, a video that the miffed sign-wielders deemed offensive and not protected under the aegis of free speech. I suspect, however, that if those indignant Islamic faithful were privy to another interesting bit of information that yours truly has uncovered, they’d decide this amateur video that keeps them awake at night is the least of their problems with Google—or Yahoo or Bing or any other search engines. 
At the behest of an idea that came to me from reading headlines and news stories, I entered the phrase “to avoid offending Muslims” into the top search engines. In fairness, I only did this after inserting the names of other religions into that phrase. “To avoid offending Hindus” brought up two stories, one of an airline removing beef from the menu, and another about McDonald’s in India serving strictly vegetarian cuisine to avoid offending Hindus and Muslims. That was all. Another story involving food popped up for the phrase “to avoid offending Jews.” Surprisingly, or maybe not, nothing exists in those data bases to correspond with the phrase “to avoid offending Christians,” save a Daily Kos bit that emerges in Yahoo about some book sold at the Grand Canyon National Park concessions that fails to mention the geological age of that awesome natural wonder, presumably to avoid offending Christians. I thought for sure ‘Piss Christ’ would’ve generated something along those lines. Not so. In fact, those “to avoid” keywords produce entries about how Christians should strive not to offend anybody, or how Christians should avoid offending Muslims. And as for “to avoid offending Buddhists,” nada. It apparently takes a real effort to offend a Buddhist in Western countries.
But, as you may have guessed by now, the “to avoid offending Muslims” pool is unique in its depth. I like to take my readers’ attention spans into account, so I’ve kept this list limited to what shows up quickly without a lot of scrounging for crumbs. It is still considerable in its length, but that’s the good thing about lists–you can resume later if you get bored. And so we begin.
“Hospital removes hot-cross buns at Easter to avoid offending Muslims.”
“Café told to remove extractor fan to avoid offending Muslims.”
“Dads banned from nursery to avoid offending Muslims.”
“Marines ban farting to avoid offending Muslims.”
“BBC drops fictional terror attack to avoid offending Muslims.”
“British schools remove Holocaust from history lessons to avoid offending Muslims.”
“UK: Schools drop Crusades to avoid offending Muslims.”
“Brussels bans ‘offensive’ Christmas tree to avoid offending Muslims.”
“Can the military do more to avoid offending Muslims?”
“American Bible translators bowdlerize scriptures to avoid offending Muslims.”
“Premier League finds Sharia-compliant award to avoid offending Muslims.”
“Premier League offers non-alcoholic rose-water and pomegranate drink alternative to avoid offending Muslims.”
“Premier League contemplates champagne ban to avoid offending Muslims.”
“Denmark city officials ban Israeli flag at local diversity festival to avoid offending Muslims.”
“US soldiers in Afghanistan told not to impugn pedophilia, mistreatment of women to avoid offending Muslims.”
“Airline bans Bibles to avoid offending Muslims.”
“Libraries told to put Bibles on top shelf {and out of sight} to avoid offending Muslims.”
“Soccer badge changed to avoid offending Muslims.”
“Papers pull Opus comic strip to avoid offending Muslims.”
“Prophet Muhammad novel scrapped to avoid offending Muslims.”
“Teachers drop Holocaust to avoid offending Muslims.”
“London university considering alcohol ban to avoid offending Muslims.”
“British Red Cross removes Christmas decorations to avoid offending Muslims.”
“British Red Cross bans Christmas to avoid offending Muslims.”
“British Red Cross removes all references to Christmas to avoid offending Muslims.”
“Australia: KFC removes bacon from menu to avoid offending Muslims.”
“Prison in Britain removes chapel crucifix to avoid offending Muslims.”
“White House delays release of Bin Laden photos to avoid offending Muslims.”
“Spanish villages tone down festivities to avoid offending Muslims.”
“Mother told not to breastfeed to avoid offending Muslims.”
“Pork off menu at UK schools to avoid offending Muslims.”
“Australia: Non-Muslims must cover up at municipal pool to avoid offending Muslims.”
“UK: Museum pulls artwork to avoid offending Muslims.”
“British mull discarding flag to avoid offending Muslims.”
“Church school renames ‘Three Little Pigs’ to avoid offending Muslims.”
“Minnesota: Santa Claus banned from Head Start classes to avoid offending Muslims.”
“Santa banned from kindergarten to avoid offending Muslims.”
“Netherlands: Paintings featuring pigs removed from hospitals to avoid offending Muslims.”
“UK: Schools rearranging exams and canceling lessons to avoid offending Muslims.”
“Police dogs to wear bootees during house searches to avoid offending Muslims.”
“Council renames Christmas to avoid offending Muslims.”
“{Renowned 16th century playwright Christopher Marlowe’s} ‘Tamburlaine the Great’ censored to avoid offending Muslims.”
“Australia: Hospital bans Bible, crosses from chapel to avoid offending Muslims.”
“Illinois schools canceling Christmas, Halloween to avoid offending Muslims.”
“Oregon: School drops ‘Pledge of Allegiance’ to avoid offending Muslims.”
“25 US papers censor Sunday comics to avoid offending Muslims.”
“UK airline wipes Israel off map to avoid offending Muslims.”
“China’s state TV bans pig images to avoid offending Muslims.”
“Chinese New Year apt to offend Muslims.”
“Denmark delays freedom of speech conference to avoid offending Muslims.”
“Kristof concerned King Hearings may offend Muslims.”
“Modern Warfare 2 map pulled to avoid offending Muslims.”
“School changes name of play to ‘Three Little Puppies’ to avoid offending Muslims.”
“Hospital staff told not to eat at desks to avoid offending Muslims.”
“UK: Plastic bags to be put over ‘terror cameras’ to avoid offending Muslims.”
“Jew with dog arrested for offending Muslims.”
“Singapore: McDonald’s apologizes for leaving pig out of Chinese zodiac collection to avoid offending Muslims.”
“Montana: President of ice cream company faces resignation for mistakenly offending Muslims.”
“Piggy-bank giveaways halted to avoid offending Muslims.”
“Paris Hilton ropes in cultural guide to avoid offending Muslims.”
“New 2012 movie goes out of its way to avoid offending Muslims.”
“New Bible versions remove ‘Father’ and ‘Son of God’ to avoid offending Muslims.”
“UK: Gay activists consider canceling pride parade to avoid offending Muslims.”
“UK: Tate Museum pulls artwork to avoid offending Muslims.”
“Norway: Star of David banned to avoid offending Muslims.”
“Toy pig removed from farm set to avoid offending Muslims.”
“Miami-Dade Transit pulls ads from buses to avoid offending Muslims.”
“Danish newspaper apologizes for offending Muslims.”
“UK: Newcastle United football shirts offend Muslims.”
“UK agency rejects digital remake of ‘Three Little Pigs’ to avoid offending Muslims.”
“No shoes allowed in terrorist captures to avoid offending Muslims.”
“Anzac Day may offend Muslims.”
“Artists try not to offend Muslims as satire festival treads softly.”
“Raids during Ramadan could offend Muslims.”
“Bethlehem: Souvenir sellers stop selling crosses to avoid offending Muslims.”
“Release of ‘Little Big Planet’ delayed for fear of offending Muslims.”
“Cambridge University issues directives against shaking hands with Muslims to avoid offense.”
“EU and UK refuse to label halal meat as halal to avoid offending Muslims.”
“South Park’s giant bear offends Muslims.”
“BBC drops Anno Domini and Before Christ to avoid offending Muslims.”
“Concern Bin Laden capture movie will offend Muslims.”
“Austria: Judge rules that yodeling offends Muslims.”
No matter your politics, no matter your desire to find fault in either no one or only Western culture, deep down you know something is out of step with the successful administration of human society here. Someone is working and someone is being worked.
I need to decide on my tag words for this piece, and here are some I’m considering: remove, reject, refuse, rename, reconsider, rearrange, change, delay, cancel, censor, pull, ban, stop, halt, end, discard, tone down, contemplate, mull, try not to, wipe off, drop, scrap, apologize for, and bowdlerize.
In parting, let me ask you to imagine how hilarious it would be if you and your people could make cops remove their own shoes while putting shoes on their dogs before entering your abode looking for mass-murderers. And don’t even think about yodeling.
UPDATE: (A year later) “Miss World chiefs cancel bikini rounds to avoid offending Muslims.”
“Duck Dynasty Stars: They told us to stop praying to Jesus to avoid offending Muslims.”
“FBI censors Islam materials to avoid offending Muslims.”
“AFDI to restore FBI’s most wanted terrorist bus adds, removed to avoid offending Muslims.”
“Vienna school bans teaching about Gates of Vienna to avoid offending Muslims.”
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